10 Tips on Not Having Sex

In honor of April Fool’s, I’m posting this helpful advice written by an anonymous member of the Anscombe Society. The following views are not endorsed by the Anscombe Society. Also, if you are a small child, don’t read on, as this contains some slightly adult humor.

10 tips on not having sex
As they say, “write about what you know!”  So here are 10 helpful tips on not doing it.
10. Several times a week, take a
sharpie, and write a list of STDs on your upper legs, hips, and lower
back. If you find yourself compromised, your partner’s shock at
encountering this–along with the conversation that will inevitably
ensue–will probably buy you enough time to calm your passions.  Also,
because it might be difficult to explain yourself convincingly, you will
be further discouraged from finding yourself in such a position.
9. Draw disturbing images on your undergarments.  Possibilities
include depictions of war and poverty, your baby pictures, or just the
words: “Your sibling is doing the same thing!”  (Please let me know if you’d be interested in ordering
such attire- we may need more funding this year.)
8. Alternatively, if you’re lazy, consider staining undergarments with strangely colored dyes.
7. If you’re worried about having sex
with someone in particular, draw a picture of their grandparents, and
write under it either “grandma’s watching!” or “hurray for
6. Draw tiny hand-prints on your body or undergarments and
write next to them “our baby’s hands will be so tiny!” This is
particularly effective.
(For all of these points, some degree
of lighting is required. If you fear that you’ll get busy in the dark,
consider sewing oddly shaped objects into your undergarments.  This will prompt
your partner to turn on the lights, increasing the efficacy of your other strategies.)
5. Don’t blog for Anscombe.  Abstinence-blogging makes you
irresistible, and leads to constantly being propositioned. (To be
perfectly fair though, correlation doesn’t equal causation.)
4. Wear a shirt that says “STD free in 2003!”
3. When talking to someone attractive, look at their eyebrows,
chin, ears, and elbows.  Decide which one is funniest.  Now imagine
that it is a small animal.
2. Before
you go on a date, especially if you’re going for a walk, drink a lot of
water.  This way you’ll really need to use the bathroom, which will
distract you from any sexual urges you may have.  This is extra nice,
because time will seem to pass more slowly, giving you a functionally
longer date with your beloved.

1. Don’t take precautions under the assumption that you might have sex.  So don’t be on the pill, and don’t carry condoms with you.  If you follow all my tips, and still worry about having unprotected sex, there are trained professionals at the Center for Abstinence and Chastity who… oh. This is awkward.